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Tag Archives: Non-violent Communication

I am NOT a Victim!

When we feel like a victim, victimized by our boss, our job, ( or lack of job), the economic crisis, politics, spouse, our family, we tend to victimize ourselves on our own especially in our conversations. We waste a lot of energy blaming others and not taking any responsibility. It’s everybody’s fault  – our spouse,  children, boss, colleagues, the President, the administration, service providers  – and the list goes on and on…. and on! We have nothing to do with it!

Pointing finger

 Personally, I discovered that I became quite an expert and developed  a talent to point the fingers at all the guilty people in my life. In some ways, it’s pleasant to be a victim because if the other person is wrong then it must means I am right!  If the other person is guilty then it’s his or her responsibility to find a solution  to the problem, it’s not mine! But in the end , what  I found  very troublesome lying just under the surface is that if I accuse the other person then it really implies that I am powerless and can do nothing about the situation!

Sometimes it’s actually easier to be a victim than to have the courage to stand up and take some action. When I act like a victim, I am in fact really giving away all my power to be able to create my own reality. In the end, I am the one who will suffer the consequences.

When I position myself as a victim in my conversations, I am making  a choice  to surrender my power to all the “guilty people” in my life. I point the finger and put my life and destiny in their  hands. One day I understood that I had the power to refuse pointing the finger  and  take full responsibility for my feelings and actions. Everyone can do it  too!

In our conversations when we talk to our friends, family or colleagues about our life,  we all have a need to open-up and share our problems .  Close friends and  our loved ones can provide this safety net of  non-judgemental compassion and support.  I am not saying that we cannot talk about our worries or problems, but we have to  remember that we also  have the power to REFUSE to play the role of a victim

This was a great eye-opener for me in my life! I  became aware that I was the one who victimized myself in my conversations and that in the end I had the choice to stop doing it.  I realized that when I act like a victim, I am actually giving away my power to others and empowering the guilty ones.  It’s not my fault  therefore I can do nothing about it and I am powerless to find a solution to my problem.

 It’s a great feeling when we become aware that we can choose not  to give away  our power! By changing what we say in our conversations , we can choose to empower the guilty ones or not.

Imagine, if you no longer point the finger and play the victim , if others are not guilty either then everything becomes possible, doesn’t it?

What are your thoughts?

Parenting Without Complaining

This morning I received a message in my inbox and I simply LOVED IT.
This is the story of a mom who just went through a tough year in 2011. She is reflecting on her past challenges and make some important choice for her present.
She brings us a very important concept = being imperturbable

Read for more….

2012: Resolve to choose EASE-Y Parenting! Dear Powerful Passionate Parents and Friends,

Happy New Year!!! I love that our culture has a tradition of reflecting on the past year in order to set intentions or resolutions for the new year. I’ve decided to choose EASE in 2012. This past year has been anything but easy for us… After the bank said ‘no’ 3xs to loan modification, I put our home of 6 years on the market, packed us up and moved us to a small apartment. We started in a new school, only to pull out after 2 months, so now we’re back to homeschooling full time. And through it all, we’ve been doing (most of the time) Connor’s daily development movement therapy program Neurological Reorganization. Whew!!! We made it to 2012.

One of my favorite teachers always says, ‘experiencing what you don’t want, helps you to get really clear on what you do want’. After this last year of tumult, changes and contrast, I am very clear that I want it to be EASE-ier But, here’s the trap: Making my ease dependent upon my son and/or my circumstances. How to avoid the trap: Consider that ease is a choice I can make in any moment, no matter what my son is doing, no matter what else is happening around me. One of my favorite words is imperturbable. Imperturbable means incapable of being upset, agitated. I love the idea of being incapable of being upset or agitated.

But we’re human. Our ability to get upset (fight/flight) is part of our survival system. And in the nonviolent paradigm, anger and upset are seen as a sign of a strong unmet need. So when I say I’d like to be imperturbable, I’m talking about being more conscious about my feelings of upset so that they don’t spill out in a way that can rupture my connection and potentially hurt the relationship.

Is my upset indicative of an unmet need? If so, how can I get that need met without requiring one particular person to change or behave exactly as I think they should.

Or is some old hurt or feeling of powerlessness being triggered by this current event? Dan Siegel, author of Parenting from the Inside Out and Mindsight, writes, ‘We often try to control our children’s feelings and behavior when actually it is our own internal experience that is triggering our upset feelings about their behavior.’

Choosing to be imperturbable is a skill that requires PRACTICE. Just like practicing the guitar or learning ballet, there are basics that we must do over and over again in order to master the skill. I suggest that the basic building blocks to choosing ease are:

Recognize that ease is a choice, and decide that my ease is not dependent upon changing another person or my circumstances
Recognize my core needs that must be met in order for me to be imperturbable – especially sleep, good nutrition, exercise, meditation, etc.
Resolve to get my needs met in a way that is not dependent upon one particular person or circumstance
Recognize and Resolve old hurts and feelings of powerlessness (so that I am not so easily triggered) by getting regular listening time, journaling and meditation

Kathy Gordon
Certified Parent Educator
UNCONDITIONAL CONNECTION
Conscious Child-raising Creating Cooperation and Peace
mkgstar@sbcglobal.net
310-338-0875

Humm…. how amazing could it be to live 2012 with this idea in mind.
It’s a great idea but it does TAKE PRACTICE and SUPPORT and you know that.
Having the inspired idea is not enough, you need a deep commitment to your intention and something to really get you started

Of course I want to invite you to use the 21 challenge to stop complaining as a frame.
This challenge is simply perfect if EASE is what you really want in 2012 and you want to make sure that you are going to follow through and deeply change your habits in parenting but also in your life in general.

If you are in the Los Angeles area, I also know that Kathy Gordon the author of the article above is offering classes and support groups.
Here are the opportunities that she is offering to get support around choosing more ease and joy in your life and especially in your parenting…

- FREE talks on Compassionate Communication/Unconditional Connection: Come learn the keys to creating more cooperation and peace in your home.
Intro: Figuring Out ‘Acting Out’ 6-7:30 pm Thurs Jan 12th – repeats on Tues Nov 8
Playa Vista Library, 6400 Playa Vista Blvd, 90094 (310) 437-6680

- MONTHLY SUPPORT GROUP…3rd Sunday of the Month: Sunday, January 22, 11-1 pm
Support group for graduates of any nonviolent/compassionate/unconditional parenting class.
$30 per family per session; $100 for 4 month commitment.
WHERE: private family home in Westchester, email for directions

- Setting Limits Without Punishment: Wed, Jan 25th 5:30 pm
Children need limits in order to feel safe and connected. A common misconception that if you are a compassionate parent, you are also permissive.
Learn how you can set limits early and often without resorting to punishments and rewards.
Hosted by Milestone Preschool in west Inglewood. $10 suggested donation. RSVP/address contact Milena Bice

- Solutions for Children with Challenges: Neurological Reorganization and Recovering the Child Thursday, January 26th 6:30 pm – 8:30 pm
Bette Lamont will be giving an introductory lecture on Neurological Reorganization, the original movement based therapy for brain reintegration. Learn how Neurological Reorganization heals the brain so that the problem and its symptom are generally eliminated. $10 suggested donation
WHERE: Isabel Patterson Child Development Center School-age Classroom, CalState Long Beach, 5700 Atherton St, Long Beach
RSVP: Doyna

Upcoming class schedule:

*UNCONDITIONAL CONNECTION: Parenting Tools to Create Cooperation and Peace
This is the Parenting Series: $200 pp; $300 couple Wednesdays Feb 8, 15, 22 & 29 @ 6:30-9:45 pm

*STOP BLOWING YOUR TOP… how to stay Calm and Unconditionally Connected to everyone in your life – especially your kids!! This class encourages you to take 100% responsibility for your own self-regulation and gives you the TOOLS to do that. Learn how to enJOY your parenting!
$175 pp; $250 couple SUNDAYS, Feb 12, 19 & 26 @ 1:30-5pm

THE DIFFERENCE IN THE 2 CLASSES: The parenting series “UNCONDITIONAL CONNECTION” is much more about our childrens’ behavior and why they do what they do. It includes child development, brain development, setting limits and more. Primarily the class gives you tools to “help you help them”, whereas “Stop Blowing Your Top” gives you tools to “help you help yourself”.

All classes are currently held in Westchester/LAX. However, if you’d like to put a class together in your neighborhood, she is there!

Kathy Gordon also work with families individually, and offer special topic classes/trainings to educators, schools and parent groups.
Contact her at mkgstar@sbcglobal.net or by phone at 310-338-0875

Love and Respect,

Christine

“If we are to teach real peace in the world, we shall have to begin with children” – Gandhi

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